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The Fear of Judgement

Niki Porter 2

This is about the 6th time I’ve attempted typing out a blog post. Every time I try to write one, I allow my OCD to tell me that I need to write it better or that what I’m writing is stupid. The truth is, my OCD still has power over me at some points. I’m starting to get better in some areas for example I washed the knifes today and put them away without any intrusive thoughts. I just feel like these blog posts should mean something that I scare myself from sharing my perspective.

This week has been hard for me. I’m in the middle of transferring college credits, finding my own medical insurance, signing up for summer semester and doing exposure therapy. I keep having these spells of anger. I’m angry that OCD has taken so many opportunities away from me, I’m angry that some people just don’t seem to get that OCD is a real disorder and I’m angry that for the past few years I’ve been treating the wrong disorder.

While listening to a podcast this morning the person was talking about how it is normal for someone in recovery to be angry like I am. For years you allow this disorder to control your life because you don’t know any better. It’s not your fault you have OCD and it is not something that you can simply just heal from. It is a legit chemical imbalance and it is a lot more complex then I realized.

In therapy we have really been discussing my fear of being judged. One thing in particular has been causing me a lot of grief. Ever since I was in 9th grade I have had moments where under extreme physical or emotional distress my body will give out (specifically my right leg and right arm). I’ve been told by the people who have seen this happen that it looked like I was having a seizure. After years of people telling me it was all in my head and that I was bringing it on myself unconsciously my therapist confirmed that it is something real that can happen. Basically, it’s me fainting because my blood pressure will drop drastically and it takes about 15-30 minutes to recover from it.

We aren’t 100% certain that, that is what it is, but it makes sense to me. Because of this fear my therapist suggested I use a cane. Not all the time but just have one in my bag in case I need the stability. Having him suggest this was both hopeful and scary at the same time. I have this fear of doing things for attention that sometimes I don’t allow myself to use the resources I am given. There is nothing wrong with having a cane, but the fear of judgement makes me nervous to the point where I’ll stare at the cane in my hands and cry. These are the kinds of things that I get nervous blogging about because these are the situations I keep locked up with me. I feel now though, that if I truly want to recover and help others, I need to own up to what my OCD is and not care of what others think.

It’s a daily struggle and I know that it’s going to take a lot of practice, but the first step is admitting it to myself. If you are struggling with the fear of judgement, I hope that you can step back and try to recognize that you are more important then what others think. Maybe the cane will be what helps me overcome this fear, maybe I’ll still fall, maybe someone will judge me. That’s on them, not me. I hope you all remember how amazing you are. As always remember, You Got This!

  1. Dayma Dayma

    Wow you are so strong for even writing this out & I’m so glad that you finally put this out there for the world to read and understand! That’s why we need to start loving one another rather than judging and staring because we don’t know what that person may be battling with themselves, keep going, you got this!

  2. Natasha MacFarlane Natasha MacFarlane

    You are so amazing for sharing your journey. You are an inspiration to all.

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