You know that feeling you get when you can tell that something’s bothering you, but you can’t seem to pinpoint it? You come up with all these little excuses like school, summer blues, tiredness. I’ve been feeling that the past few days. 10 years ago yesterday I graduated high school. Next week is my birthday. A lot of great changes are happening in my family… and even with all the great things going on I can’t help feeling like something is missing. My Dad.
Since October my family and I have been running in circles. Between figuring out all the legal stuff to getting projects done, it’s been a crazy ride. Lots of tears, lots of laughs, and lots of memories. I’m happy to have the memories, but it breaks my heart to not get to make more with Dad.
I went to the store with my Mom the other day. We went to look at Father’s Day cards for my family. My heart sank as I realized that this Father’s Day I don’t get to give my dad one. Father’s Day was the day that I got to spoil him rotten and make a big fuss. This year I won’t be able to give him a big hug or write an overly sappy card that he always accepted graciously.
It’s not just Father’s Day that’s hard, it’s my birthday too. When I was little Dad always took my birthday off of work. He would get up early with Mom and the three of us would go shopping all day with my birthday money. Most of the time I’d spend the day looking and buy the smallest thing at the last store. Then at night I would get dressed up nice and go to dinner with them. It always felt so fancy, even if it was just to Olive Garden. Last year he had a work call first thing. His office was next to my room and when I woke up I got a text from him wishing me a happy birthday, just because he knew he’d be busy when I woke up. I will cherish that text forever.
I’m finding myself constantly thinking about October 10, 2020. About the 911 call, I had to make, about the relief I felt when I found a neighbor to help. I remember the long wait before I knew what had happened to my dad. The moment each of my brothers arrived home. The night where I couldn’t close my eyes for fear of seeing it all. I remember the funeral where I saw my dad for the last time.
This post might seem really depressing. Because let’s face it, this event really happened. I really did lose my dad. I do get sad a lot. I do miss him. I also know that he is still with us. I know that I will see him again. I know that during important events he is and will be standing beside me. I hope that regardless of what you are going through, you allow yourself to feel sad, mad, hurt, happy, cared for… it’s important to not run away from your feelings. As always please remember You Got This!