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New Year BETTER Me

Niki Porter 0

Hello Everyone!

This morning I attempted to write a blog post about the new year. As I wrote it, it felt like I didn’t even believe what I was typing. And then right before bed, I’ve had inspiration. I’ve been reading various posts by friends of the year they’ve had and I have been reflecting on 2018. This year has been different. It definitely wasn’t as harsh as 2017 (I don’t think I’m ever going to have a worse year). However, it has been a very challenging year. This year I’ve been seeing a therapist, I was going every other week until August and then monthly. I found out that due to medical issues my therapist is retiring. He doesn’t know when but I have a feeling it’s going to be soon. This was an extremely difficult thing to process. This amazing person has been helping me through my mental illness for over 2 years and now I won’t get to see him. I have an appointment to see a new therapist and I’m actually feeling hopeful about it.

If I had to pick the top 3 things that kept me going in 2018, it would be my parents, the gospel, and my therapist. My parents have been the BEST supporters. I can in no way explain just how much they have sacrificed to help me. I honestly think that I would not be here today if it wasn’t for them. They have endured so much changing of plans and have helped me through panic attacks on a daily basis. The gospel has helped me so much. I don’t go to church as often as I should, it’s one of my new year resolutions. However, just knowing the teachings and understanding the plan of salvation has helped me with my fear of harming myself. Understanding that there is a God who loves me, no matter what I deal with is so helpful in my recovery. And the third would be my therapist. I really feel that God has sent me an angel to guide me. I have never met another person who I felt so confident in sharing my issues with. If you are struggling, I highly suggest that you seek out a therapist. You might have to search a little to find the person you like and trust. Ironically, after my first appointment with my therapist I didn’t like him. That was until I brought up my concerns to him in my next appointment and he actually listened and helped me understand what he meant. It takes a strong person to help me because I mentally fight everything!

This year has had ups and downs. One of my successes was that after a lot of panic I was able to do a mock sales presentation in front of my college class for finals and was able to get a good grade. I also did 2 semesters of school and passed all my classes. I’ve gained new friends and have become more confident in my thought process and I think we FINALLY found the right medication… even if it took until the middle of December to finally get it right.

I’ve also dealt with quite a few downs. Without going into too much detail, I’ve struggled with working and found out that I can’t trust everyone.  I’ve had hard news come up regarding my therapist. I’ve had to accept that recovery takes time and that change happens.

Regardless of how 2018 went for me, I’ve created a motto for myself for this upcoming year. “New Year, BETTER Me”. People always say that in the new year they want to become a new person and change all the things that are wrong about them. I don’t. I feel that all the mistakes and hardships from 2018 have taught me how to do things better in 2019. I’ve learned that sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut, sometimes I need to stand up for myself and sometimes I just need to decide what I want in life and make decisions based on that. I refuse to let people walk all over me. I refuse to apologize for my mental illness. I refuse to allow other people to tell me how to live my life. I will continue learning to accept change. I will continue pushing through the bad days and I will never give up.

I sincerely hope that regardless of what 2018 brought to you, you will let 2019 come in and make you better than ever. Always know that someone is thinking about you. Always know that there is a God who loves you. And as always remember… YOU GOT THIS!

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